Hey, hi and hello!

I’m still here. I’ve survived. It was a little shaky there for a bit (though the shakes could have been a result of my super-healthy concoction of coffee and cough syrup….), but I’ve returned to you. No worse for the wear. Mostly.

Last week was constructed of sick days and lethal colds. As someone who doesn’t frequently take sick days it almost felt like a guilty pleasure to stay home, in bed, for two whole days. The thing about getting a severe — albeit minor in light of the flu going around lately — cold like this is it forces you to take some time off. It’s a sign from yourself that you need to take a deep breath and slow down for a moment. And that, as my mother always taught me, is a good thing.

But! But. When you’ve had an insane couple of life-altering weeks such as has been my 2013 thus far, getting sick can be a frustrating and disruptive thing. You need it to go away ASAP. That coffee ain’t going to brew and drink itself! Which brings us to today’s edition of tips and tricks from a non-expert: the lethal colds edition.

1. As soon as you feel a cold coming on — whether that manifests itself as a runny nose, sore throat, visions from beyond, whatever — start popping the Airborne and Emergen-C. Don’t mess around. Eat it like candy. Show that cold bug who’s sheriff in these parts. (Feel free to address your cold bug in a John Wayne voice if that helps.)
2. Stock up on tissues, movies, orange juice, soup, popsicles, “Caution: Biohazard” tape to cover your front door with, hand sanitizer and chicken noodle soup.
3. Call in sick. If you’re like me, you dislike doing this because you don’t want to leave your coworkers high and dry and short-staffed, but if you’re truly ill (and contagious), stay away. Your coworkers don’t want you to infect the whole group with your personal little plague.
4. Concoct a slushie made of Airborne, Emergen-C, oranges, strawberries, and Robitussin.
5. Don’t OD on Robitussin.
6. Don’t operate heavy machinery on Robitussin.
7. Generally take it easy on the Robitussin.
8. Get in your comfiest clothes and begin hibernation. Turn off the phone and let the healthy juices (Robitussin) do their thing.
9. Stage a John Wayne marathon to better hone your impression.
10. Sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep. It’s the best medicine. It’s also the only time you get to sleep through the day and not feel the pangs of non-productivity.
11. Repeat steps 1-10 for as long as it takes to feel human again.
12. Keep “Caution: Biohazard” tape for future use. Though hopefully the next time you break it out will be for a fun prank featuring your brother and a lot of waffles.

Tune in next time when we discuss the ins and outs of waffle-related biohazard pranks.

And if you’re currently battling a cold, flu or other illness: FEEL BETTER!

Love you more than Robitussin, — a.e.